My friend Sara, an energy healer and overall badass health genius, once told me that anger is a form of love and I was left in shock.
How could something that causes so much pain come from love?
I associated anger with it’s extreme manifestations; yelling, name-calling, and even physical assault.
But then I pondered the last three times I’d been angry.
- My toddler was tantruming
- My server crashed
- My friend abandoned her word
Every time I felt anger, it was from having been attached to something I wanted or loved.
- Good behavior from my son
- Software functioning that I’d paid for and depended on for my business
- The impeccability of my friend’s word
“Anger isn’t bad. Anger is a form of love.”
You can’t get angry unless you care about something.
Fundamentally, it’s impossible to feel anger without love.
But while the anger isn’t necessarily bad, certain reactions can be.
This week, I became angrier about something than I’ve been in a very long time.
(Honestly, I don’t get angry much about anything anymore: so this was very shocking to my system.)
However, somebody hurt my feelings in an inglorious and unnecessary way, despite my having expressed my needs to that person many times, with increasing states of distress, over several months.
When I stated my needs for the fourth time in as many months and was met with a smug, “that’s not really important to me”… I was livid.
I sat up at night stewing. I felt rage. And above all, I felt unloved.
Still, I try to separate my emotions from my reactions. Although a door slammed and some things were said that could have been more calmly expressed, I was able to separate myself rather quickly from my anger to observe the emotion.
I learned a LOT from this meditation about anger.
I Learned To Honor Myself For Expressing My Needs…
The absolute most important thing I learned: it’s OKAY to be angry.
Really, fucking, manically angry because somebody hurt me for no reason; and continued to do so.
Somebody who claims to be one of my best friends in the world has repeatedly done something unnecessary that wounded me.
My needs were not only unmet, they were ignored completely and stubbornly.
While texting my friend and stating my needs for the umpteenth time I was met with the WORST CONCEIVABLE APOLOGY:
“I’m sorry you feel that way”.
[Sidenote: If you ever say this to somebody, EVER, you’re being a total pussy and you’re not actually sorry for anything. So don’t say it.]
The “I’m sorry you feel that way” propelled me further into my pain, and for a moment I thought, “this girl is never going to get it. Why did I open my mouth? Why can’t we just keep burying this under the rug (month after month) until it comes up again?”
But I didn’t. I hit the nail on the head with a clear, well-stated reason for my anger and expectation for my friend’s changed behavior.
And do you know what? That was the boss thing to do.
I Stood Up For Myself…
I’m so proud of myself.
When you state your needs, refuse to suppress your desires, and understand that you’re worthy of love, appreciation, and respect: you’re getting it.
Get angry, wise goddess. Get good and fucking angry if somebody doesn’t meet your needs when it’s well within their power.
Get angry when friends hurt you. Get angry when people don’t apologize.
Get angry when you get fake apologies like “I’m sorry you feel that way”.
And if you choose to sever the relationship, REJOICE that you’re strong enough not to stand for that shit anymore.
I Refused To Suppress My Feelings…
My relationship to anger has transformed tremendously when I realized that anger is a gift from God meant to serve me.
Anger allows me to take action when myself or somebody I love is hurt.
Anger propels me to meditate on WHY I’m angry in the first place; which serves to illustrate faults in the people and situations around me.
I can change those things, or I can cut them out of my life to avoid the anger.
But most importantly, anger promotes action.
Ideally, it’s not breaking wine glasses action, but, rather, upleveling my life so that I can avoid the causes of unnecessary pain.
I learned not to suppress my anger, but to meditate on it and give gratitude for the lessons anger serves to teach me.
And, whoa – holy shit did I learn some hard lessons this week.
Anger Serves To Illustrate What We Want In Life…
My anger, while irritating and severely disruptive to my work and sleep schedules, served to illustrate what I WANT most in life.
- I learned about red flags that I ignored (gah! when will I learn?!)
- I learned about the sisterhood of friends who are eager to support me and say, “I hope for the best” instead of “I told you so”.
- I learned about what is important to me in relationships, and how important my values are.
- I learned about how deeply and loyally I can love and show love, even to people who don’t show that love or respect in return.
Have you ever stopped to meditate on how much vulnerability is involved with anger.
When you’re angry, you have to “admit” and “own” that something has deeply wounded or affected you.
When you’re angry, you have to confess that you’re hurt (provided you aren’t suppressing your feelings. Which you aren’t, right?!)
When you’re angry, you learn about your own defense mechanisms. How strong are they? Where are there holes in the fortress around your heart?
When you’re angry, you learn about how to protect yourself in the future from pain.
Anger illustrates what you value, and how to obtain what you value going forward.
Anger connects you with your power.
There Is Nothing Like Sisterhood
I am so totally enveloped with sisterhood this week as I replay the past few months events for friends and ask them honestly, Am I Insane?
Here are a few of the texts that went back and forth between me and some sisters today:
I don’t need to illustrate this any further.
If you don’t have a powerful support system, get one.
Love Emergency Contacts and My Love SOS List
Mothers are more isolated than anybody else in society; especially those of us who are single ones.
Here’s an incredible trick I use in my life when I need wise counsel: The SOS Trio.
I have three friends who are crazy brilliant in Love. They’re my Love Emergency Contacts.
When I’m confused about a situation with a friend, sister, or lover and need somebody to help me get into my head where my emotions and heart are making me feel insane, these are the friends I contact.
Their advice is invaluable.
All three contacts understand that they’re on my contact list and have committed to answering the phone if I call with a Love SOS.
If you want more wisdom on building Mom Tribes, check out Module 9 of Superwoman School on developing sacred Mom Tribes.
And if you feel like you’re suppressing something in any way, you probably ARE.
And mama, this shit can hit the fan before you know it.
You are love. And your anger is a form of that Divine Light within you.