1. You aren’t clear about what you want and why
We go to therapy for different reasons – depression, anxiety, shit is not working and life does not look the way you want it to. But do you know exactly what you want and more importantly, why?
If you’re not talkin about what you do want and are spending the majority of you time talking about what you don’t want (problems) then no wonder life looks like one giant problem. You’re not connected to your SOUL DESIRE, you’re connected to the hole in your heart. You’re focused on what’s missing. Stop that right now.
IF you think something is wrong with you and you go see someone who agrees then you’re set up to struggle. Conversely, if you think you’re broken and you work with someone who sees beyond that BS, sees you at a soul-level, and can get you to see yourself that way too, you will instantly shift your perspective.
That’s right, it doesn’t have to take years.
A new view of yourself and your situation are the very first steps to turning your life around. From here, you can get clear about what you want it to look like and why. Now, the WHY is the most important factor in actually getting what you want.
Without a tearful WHY, the what will not be achieved.
Tearful, yes. If you’re personal Why is not moving you to tears, it’s not big enough. It must compel you at your core.
In his book “Start With Why,” Simon Sinek teaches leaders how to successfully run their organizations. Guess what? You are the leader of the organization known as YOUR LIFE.
“It’s not just what or how you do things that matters; what matters more is that what and how you do things is consistent with your why.” Simon Sinek
Here’s a way to get clear about what you want and why.
- Grab a journal and a pen.
- Get out of your ‘normal’ environment – go to the park or someplace inspiring.
- Commit to being with yourself without distractions.
- Write out:
- “If there was nothing holding me back, I would…”
- “If I were free of my issues life would look…”
- “If I had exactly what I wanted that would include…”
Then for each one of these follow it up with, “Why this is important to me is…” “and that matters because…” “and the purpose of that is…” “this is deeply meaningful to me because…”
Keep going until you’re in tears. Until you reach the very soul of your desire, you won’t have a compelling reason to be and do whatever is necessary to achieve your goals.
2. Your environment doesn’t support your true desires
“…your potential is shaped by what surrounds you.” – Benjamin P. Hardy
In his badass book, “Willpower Doesn’t Work: Discover the Hidden Keys to Success,” Hardy
describes the fundamental role your environments play in your ability to achieve and/or overcome anything.
He says, “A person’s environment forms every aspect of their lives, from their income to their value system to their waistline to their hobbies.” I’ll add that if you’re depressed, feeling broken, think you’re alone, and convinced that you don’t belong, your environments absolutely affirm that reality.
You probably spend a lot of time in bed or at least in pj’s.
You probably have sugary and carb-loaded foods in the house.
You probably watch tv every night.
You probably make excuses for why you’re not going to the gym or yoga… or leaving the house.
By contrast, someone who is clear about what they want and why, healing a chronic health condition because then they’ll have the energy and confidence to earn a living as a speaker allowing them to reach and heal millions for example, will transform their environment to support this desire.
I have found to be true in my life what Benjamin Hardy says in Willpower Doesn’t Work, “When the stakes are high enough, any form of behavior is possible. Thus, when you develop firm enough convictions or desire, you can choose to act contrary to your habits and conditions. You can choose to change the direction to your life by reshaping your surroundings.”
Are your current surroundings supporting your deepest desires or are they keeping you stuck?
If they are in fact keeping you sick, broke, and lonely (or something equally as sucky) what could you change about your environment today that would move you in a new direction?
Who could you confide in that would be a support system for the new you?
Try this on. Make a list of the key aspects and people your new, supportive surroundings would include. Then get to work making that your new reality.
3. You haven’t discovered your superpower
Your superpower is your unique gift that helps you fulfill your personal purpose.
Alas, every superpower has a shadow side.
In a general sense, the shadow side is the proverbial hurdle you must overcome in order to heal and live in alignment with your purpose.
If you’re Type A, your superpower is THINKING. But how many Type A people have a hard time shutting off their minds? They overthink everything, often overwhelming their peers at work and their partner at home.
Know anybody like that?
In my 20+ years in the field of intimacy I’ve worked with hundreds of smart, capable, successful people who can’t get out of their heads long enough to connect deeply with their loved ones. As a result they’re anxious and stressed out all the time and struggle to maintain a loving satisfying relationship at home.
If you’re an Empath, your superpower is FEELING. This is great because we amplify “positive” (I prefer to use the term, productive) feelings like courage, love, and hope. The shadow side, however, is we absorb “negative” or low vibrational energy like fear, anger, and guilt.
We take it in, and without a process for safely releasing it, we store these emotions like toxic buildup making ourselves sick over time. I know a lot about this firsthand, btw. If you’ve read any of my other articles, you know I talk openly about Lumpy, the lime-sized tumor I developed nine years ago.
Whether you’re a Type A or an Empath if you’re struggling with the shadow side of your superpower instead of learning how to use your gift for the highest possible good, you’re going to be sick and depressed and self medicate.
Or keep talking about it in therapy for years.
4. You have a soul wound that needs healing
The good news: we all do.
By virtue of your birth, you have a soul wound. It doesn’t matter how awesome or shitty your parents were. It makes no difference what religion you were raised in. Your human-ness doesn’t care how open-minded, enlightened, compassionate or good you are.
You were born human. You have a soul wound.
The faster you can accept that fact the faster you can embrace your humanity and begin to heal yourself.
If you think our individual and collective humanity doesn’t need healing then stop reading this right now. Use your time for something else.
If you do believe we could seriously benefit from some soul searching and course correcting then reading this and doing the work on yourself is a good investment of time.
The problem with therapy is it’s designed to support you, not challenge or provoke you. In my experience it tends to be more reactive than proactive and can spend inordinate amounts of your precious time focused on the past. I also find the lack of tangible and timely goals in traditional therapy to be unproductive. There’s also a pervasive perspective that something is wrong with you.
Please don’t buy the bullshit that there’s something wrong with you.
You’re human. You have flaws. You fuck up. You fail. A lot.
All of which are the result of your soul wound.
Let me be clear, I am writing for the majority of the population. I recognize there are people who need clinical therapy, medical intervention, and prescription drugs to function. I am not writing for them. Got it?
I write for and work with people who want to get over their stuff. They are willing and able to respond to the issues and patterns that plague them.
Most of my people have already tried the traditional therapies and are still not satisfied with their results.
When it comes to healing a soul wound, we gotta get down in the dirt. The grody, ugly, super uncomfortable stuff is where the gold, the cure, is. There’s a skill to safely uncovering and excavating the wound that only comes from personal experience.
Then there’s the understanding of the wound in a way that’s useful.
What I know to be true is that for those of us who are here to live a life aligned with Source, a life filled with purpose, our wounds are the way.
We do the work so we can heal and harness the gift. We then share the wisdom, the love, the way forward with other people who are where we were.
It shouldn’t take a lifetime to heal.
If the time is now for you get clear about what you want and why then up-level your environments to support your deepest desires. Discover your superpower and its shadow side. Excavate that ugly-ass wound and get on with living the life you’re meant to live.
- There’s a skill to safely uncovering and excavating the wound that only comes from personal experience.
- Then there’s the understanding of the wound in a way that’s useful.
- What I know to be true is that for those of us who are here to live a life aligned with Source, a life filled with purpose, our wounds are the way.
- We do the work so we can heal and harness the gift. We then share the wisdom, the love, the way forward with other people who are where we were.
- It shouldn’t take a lifetime to heal.